Friday at Sidewalk Cafe - Ben & Jessica Are Besties in Love

Ben and Jess are headed to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival together this year and will be performing some highlights from their upcoming shows. They will sing songs songwriter circle style for an hour, making beautiful sweet love to each other and you the audience through their music and comedy (and not with their genitals, no exceptions). DON'T MISS IT!

Afterwards, we're headed to dance at We R the Handclaps at Nowhere bar where the queer rock party is celebrating their 2 year anniversary. Come hang with us before we leave for Scotland!

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"Black Mess" - If only Edith Massey were still alive!

The only way this song and video would make sense is if John Waters directed it and he sent Edith Massey streaking across the screen in a pleather two-piece. Crossover, a vaguely German band via Portland, Oregon, strikes all the hilariously wrong moves with their new release "Black Mess," landing them squarely in the "so bad it's good" pleasure center of my brain.

Lyrics: "You're not magical / You're a zombie/ Eat your cell phone / So fuck you!" Be sure to hang in there for the Metal-hands MONEY SHOT at 3:02. The disappointingly brief vomit scene (he's puking up his own disgust for society) happens just before at 2:51. Thank you, Crossover for this refreshingly horrible delight!

Text messaging champ crowned, test not realistic

She's got thumbs of gold and nerves of steel. Kate Moore, 15, from Des Moines, Iowa, won $50K in a text messaging competition that tested agility, concentration, and speed. In other words, she was able to text the first stanza of "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah" while walking a treadmill with foam block obstacles thrown in her way.

I feel like the real challenge of text messaging could never be tested by a 15-year-old... at least, not legally. In my text messaging competition, contestants would be blindfolded and dropped at a bar they've never been to. They would be forced to do shots of tequila (or whiskey). Then someone would steal their wallet. Without knowing where they are, they'd have to find their way home gathering information only from text messages.

For the finals, the contestants would have to order illicit drugs via text message to be delivered to them without explicitly asking for the drugs. They would not be forced to do the drugs, however contestants would have to pay for them. The drugs will be confiscated by the competition committee, i.e. me, and they should be of good quality. Then, contestants would again be forced to do shots until they vomit. The first person to recover from vomiting and text me, "2 AM! Again. LOL! What are you doing? can I come over?" wins!

Gayxorcism

Please don't confuse this with gayxercising (which pertains to activities like rollerblading and synchronized swimming). This is a full on gayxorcism of a "homosexual spirit." The boy in question flops around in the floor while the others shout things like, "In the name of Jesus, right now, GET OUT!! GET OUT!!" I recommend just watching a minute or so starting at 3:15 or so. That's when she whips the air around the boy in question, whipping the aura of homosexual demon into submission. It's just 10 minutes of crazy. Crazy FUN!!! Which is why I have just signed up for a gayxorcism of my own! I can't wait for the flopping!

Of course she works at Betsy Johnson

This explosion of flavor was running back to work and was kind enough to pose for a pic before she hurried off. I was not surprised to learn she worked at the Betsy Johnson shop on the Bowery. She owned the over-the-top '80s glam aerobics-meets-nightlife thing, and she brightened my day. Notice the matching pink calculator!

Just a little Thursday morning Dolemite

Every day is worth waking up to if you are this guy that I spotted on my way to the gym this morning. It was 9:30 AM, and I snapped this pic on Clinton between East Broadway and Grand. Yes, that's right. In front of the post office. But he didn't stop. He was going to deliver the contents of that briefcase in person. No postage required! Thank you, sir, for I diggeth and picketh up what thou hast put down.

Can you tell me how to get ahold of Dolemite these days? I have his boom mic, and I need to get it back to him.

Total Eclipse of the Art

I just can't stop watching it. (Thanks Sean, for posting it the other day.) I am insanely jealous that I didn't think of doing this first. I might have to bite it. I'm trying to resist stealing other people's material until later in my career... but this is just too good. I'm going to have to make one eventually.

"Staring at the swim team gets you killed by a gang of dancing ninja men who know how to twirl."

Genius.

Happy happy joy joy

A new study has determined that achieving fame, wealth, and good looks has nothing to do with happiness. So why am I not happier??? The study says that happiness comes from personal growth and intrinsic crap like that. While I'm not entirely unconvinced, I'd still like to lose 30 pounds.